so broken up inside...

mamma i love u..i really really do..

whats going to happen if you're gone??

ever since i was born u were by my side all the time..

even when i treated u really bad at times by letting out my frustrations at you,saying i hate you n even hoping u were gone once u should noe i never ever meant any of it..

i really dont..

every night ive been praying for u to get well..

for u to stop having those pains n for ur suffering to just stop..

i noe u've been feeling very sick lately n it doesnt help ever since daddy left the house n our family was broken apart..

i noe you say you hate daddy alot on all the things he has done to u but i noe deep inside u're heart is still bleeding inside..

i can take all of ur complaints..all of it..

whatever u say bout daddy everyday to me i can take it..

im not like jie that dismisses whatever you say or scold u..

cause i noe its the only way i can let u relief urself a bit of how much it hurts..

but dont tell me whatever u do on how you death can take u..

please dont...

recently u keep telling me on how in the future if u are gone u want to be burried n not cremated..

it pains me so so much n dont u noe its so hard on me?

i was always the closest to u when i was young whereas jie was always daddy's golden daughter that got all the straight As n is capable of doing everything n anything..

she has all the plans for the future while im still whacked up inside on what will my life be like in the future..

i noe i sometimes dissapoint u alot when i dont get good results for u n am not as brilliant as jie but i do try..i really do..i wan to do all i can to make u proud of me even if its just a little..

i noe how ur very ill..

whenever i peep at u when u are sleeping sometimes i always thank god that i can still see u breathing while u sleep peacefully..

i get slightly alarmed when i think i cant see the covers move up n down..

yet when u awake n sometimes u get those awful cramps that make u suffer i suffer alot too..

n now ur telling me that u feel u have a tumour in ur kidneys n have felt that something inside was moving up n down a few times like clogged blood in ur kidneys..

do u noe how much pain i feel now?when i was young n used to get heart pains u wud always tell me u were worried n hope n pray that nothing will happen to me..

do u noe how worried i am of u now???

i dont ever wanna lose u..im just too afraid..

im not ready for anything like this mum..im really not..

i noe its all god's willing on how long a person can live up to but i just cant bear it..

even u said that over a night something can happen even though ur feeling fine the night before..so please dont wait to put up with the pains any longer will u???

even if i have to give up evrything i'll be at ur side thru it all no matter what..i promise..

mum..i love u.